No Clue

As my tittle states I have no clue as to what I am doing. Both in life and with this blog. I am creative and love to write and take photos but as much as I would love to share them with the world I am afraid. What if people don’t care about what I have to say or the pictures that I take are not good enough? Would people really be interested in my life? My anxiety is the only thing in my way.

At 33 I’m feeling lost and kind of like I’m not hitting my potential. I always dreamed of having a family and now that I have it well I feel like I am falling short of what I always pictured it to be. It’s me not them. I always thought I’d be a mom who worried and that’s true I lived up to that expectation but I also thought I’d be a fun mom more than I was a stressed out mom. My life went on a path I never expected for myself. It’s a great path though just not what I planned. I’m a big planner and this well none of this was in my plans…except having a family.

I’ve had career changes and had never really settled in one spot until I met my husband. I graduated high school and went to broadcasting school then right to work at my first television job. Then life changed and I found myself working for an optician. After that retail at a thrift store. What I found next though changed my life forever. My life changed once again and I was starting over. This time though I found pharmacy. I got asked to be a pharmacy assistant in a small town pharmacy. I fell in love with it. I loved helping people and doing something that mattered and made a difference. I was good at it. I worked for many different chains over my years due to my good work ethic. But when I moved in with my husband that all was going to change again.

I’ve lived in Saskatchewan and in British Columbia a couple of times. Fast forward to current day where I now reside in Northern Saskatchewan with my husband, 3 kids, and 2 dogs. I hit the jackpot with my husband. The poor man puts up with my anxiety on a daily basis. When I met him I was working as a Pharmacy Tech in a city a few hours south of where he lived. He was a single dad to an adorable little boy who stole my heart. It took over a year for the timing to be right for us but eventually it was and we never looked back. My husband and his son had a cute house on the lake. They had a boat and a side by side. I knew every day would be an adventure with them. When we first started dating it was all long distance. My husband and I both were working shift work so it was hard getting our days off to line up…but we made it work. I was worried when we started talking about moving in together that I would have to give up my job and my friends and move to a new place and be unhappy and alone with the exception of them. I was so wrong. At first yes I was moving to a new community and starting a new job in a new pharmacy and only knew his friends. It didn’t take long though for me to see that they were just as much my friends as they were his. I even was easily beginning to make my own new friends. It was a beautiful fit for me and my anxiety. I didn’t need to be in makeup or have the fanciest clothes to feel like I fit in with our friends. I just had to be myself. It was the start of something truly beautiful for me.

Fast forward to current day where we sold the cute house he owned when I moved up north and built a house and moved into it right at the start of Covid. Moving sucks to begin with but add in a pandemic and ugh nightmare. But we did it! I had a ton of fun designing our home…more of that on another post maybe. Current day though is where I am going to focus on now. I have since left pharmacy and look after a few kids in my home. That was the reason for our move. Our family was expanding and my work was changing due to daycare options. So I did it I chose to stay home and work from home in 2019. It’s been a challenge but I would not have it any other way…unless I was super rich and didn’t have to work. Ha. Until then though this works for me and my family.

What doesn’t work for me though is my anxiety. I’ve struggled with it all of my life. Avoiding everything from social events to phone calls. Anytime somebody sends me a text saying “hey call me” i spiral. I overthink everything so why would parenting be something I didn’t overthink or stress over? it’s my biggest stresser. I worry that I am messing my kids up or that I am doing it wrong. Am I doing too much? Am I doing too little? It’s a constant battle and my brain and body are tired. Clutter and noise set me off into snapping panic attacks that I can no longer easily control. My heart races and so does my mind. The one thing though that doesn’t stress me out is talking to people about me being anxious. As a person who is super anxious all the time is freeing for me to be confident when I am open and share my mental health state with others. Most days I would love to just shut my brain off and be present with my family and just truly relax but my ocd and anxiety don’t allow me to sit still. I want my current journey to be the one that takes me on a path to relief from my struggles for myself and my family. It’s them I miss out on the most. I’m rambling on though…clearly lost in my thoughts.

I wanted to start to do more writing and photography but it’s a hard stage in my life right now. I find myself being inspired but stuck at the same time. I’m lost with how to do things for myself and when to find the time. My kids are all in different stages of life and need me in different ways. My body and my time are not my own from the moment that they wake up until the moment that they go to bed. Like this one where the girls slept on a drive home and my son read a book. As quiet time is ending for us I will say goodbye and catch my breathe for a second and ponder if I keep this in drafts or if I put myself out there and publish it. I have to start somewhere and sometime right? Why not now? oh ya because I’m lost.